I'll be honest, I hate going out. I can't explain it, I just never really cared for it. I never really went to bars and rarely hung out with friends at them. This led to a perception that I was anti-social for years. Perhaps I was, but it wasn't intentional. My senses always felt over-stimulated at bars and pubs so I just never really felt comortable. Recently, I have come to the realization that the girls aren't just going to knock on my door to take a number though. Short of hanging out at the library talking to some of the creepy loners, I have felt my only chance has been to do what I hated: go to a bar.
Thanks to a post on one of my previous blogs from an old classmate, reminding me of an incident in high school, I realized that part of the reason I hate going out is that I'm a clutz. (The incident I'm referring to, by the way, involved the desk in front of me. The desks we had in high school had a wired shelf underneath the seat and being a taller kid, I frequently rested my feet there. After I started wearing Chuck Taylor sneakers, I realized I could actually maneuver my size 13's in between the grates when I was bored. Panic officially set in one day when both feet got locked in there and I began to lift the desk in front of me with the kid still in it. The teacher had to stop the class, come over, and nearly break my ankles to get my feet out.)
Sure enough, the curse hadn't lifted when I went to the bar the other night. As soon as I ordered my first beer, I sat down and my feet slipped slightly on the rail under the bar that's meant to brace you while you sit. I awkwardly fell forward NEARLY shooting right off the stool. I got up slowly, pretending I was fixing my shoe as I looked around...didn't appear anyone saw this. When the bartender put the beer down, she "party-fouled" by dropping it quickly causing the foam to rise up and pour out of the bottle. (Glad I spent 4 bucks on a half bottle of beer.) This particular pub had little condiment holders stuffed with everything. As I reached for the napkins, I actually lifted the holder off the bar, as there were so many stuffed in there, and dropped it loudly causing the pepper shaker to roll down clinking into the glass that belonged to the dude sitting next to me. "My bad..." No one says that anymore by the way.
My awkward charm appeared to have inadvertantly worked, as a girl moved over and sat down next to me. After getting engaged in some pretty terrible small talk that was focused entirely on her, I ordered some "pub onion rings". I was actually starting to feel comfortable for once and then she brought up "Brad". Good ol' Brad - her ex, or current boyfriend, or husband, or ex husband - I still have no idea based on the way she went back and forth about him. I tried to get in a word or two in about me, but she was far more concerned about herself. Don't believe me? Here was one of the breaks in her rants:
Her: "...oh I love this song."
Me: "You know, I'm actually a musician."
Her: ".....Brad's a musician."
Thankfully, my onion rings arrived to provide a distraction. I knew I was in trouble after my first bite when the batter fell off leaving me with soggy rings of bitter onions (I refuse to call those onion rings now, they did not earn the right). My mood was getting worse. I had a nutcase next to me rattling off fragmented thoughts such as, "What's wrong with me?...I mean, I'm glad Brad's gone 'cause I'm way better than what he deserves, but what did I do wrong? Brad's such a jerk and all my girlfriends tell me he's a jerk but he's so hot. I hate him and hope I never see him again. Do you think Brad's with someone else tonight?" I didn't answer. I didn't care. I couldn't get my mind off of how terrible these onion rings were. How do you screw up onion rings in a bar/pub?!
When I didn't answer, she asked again, "Well, what do you think?" I quickly realized I had no idea what she asked me so I went to the Man's fail-safe comeback, "Huh?...oh, yeah. You look nice." After she simply replied, "What?", I politeley excused myself, paid my tab and headed for the exit. Luckily, I had beer, onions, and flour at home. Sometimes you just have to do things yourself...
Super Easy Pub Onion Rings:
This recipe will give you a VERY light coating that's full of flavor. It's fantastic.
Ingredients:
- 1 Whole Yellow Onion
- 3/4 Can of Beer (Go with something lighter. I prefer High Life, Rolling Rock, or Corona for this.)
- 1 Cup All Purpose Flour
- 1 Tsp. Kosher Salt
- 1 Tsp. Black Pepper
- 1 Qt. Vegetable Oil
How to Make:
- Begin to heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat until temperature reaches about 350. (If you don't have an oil thermometer, let it heat about 6-7 minutes and dip the handle end of a wooden spoon in the oil. As soon as tiny bubbles form around the wood immediately, the oil is ready.
- Combine the flour, salt and pepper in a large bowl and then slowly add the beer, stirring as you add. Combine until most of the lumps are out. Lay the onion on it's side and slice horizontally in 1/2" thick slices and brake apart carefully to give you rings.
- When the oil is nearly heated, sprinkle onions with a bit more flour and add to the batter. Remove rings from batter, allow excess to drip off the onion, and carefully add to the hot oil. Fry in batches of 5-8, depending on the size of your pot, turning occasionally until golden brown - about 6-7 minutes. Remove to a plate with paper towels and sprinkle with kosher salt while still glistening (optional). Serve immediately with ketchup or chipotle aioli.
Chipotle Aioli Dip:
This is a good alternate dipping sauce for fried foods when you're sick of ketchup.
Ingredients:
- 1 Tsp. Chili Powder
- 1/2 Tsp. Cumin
- 1/2 Tsp. Paprika
- 1/2 Tsp. Garlic Powder
- 1/2 Tsp. Black Pepper
- 1/2 Tsp. Kosher Salt
- 1/4 Tsp. Cayanne Pepper
- 1 Cup Mayo
How To Make:
- Combine all ingredients in a small bowl, mixing well. Serve on the platter or individual ramekins.
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